The Polyphonic Spree Concert Review

They are stars. Tim Delaughter is a charisma factory. The show was amazing.

Bad- The 2nd warm-up musician was the roller-skating, guitar playing street performer from Venice Beach. At first I though, “Fitting”. Then I thought, “Please trip, fall and break 6 strings.”

Also Bad- The indie-idiot contingent of Los Angeles. There was some creatively facial haired moron who kept bragging about being: a writer, and on mushrooms. He would not shut up. I wanted to punch him but did not for 2 reasons:

1.I am trying to set a good example for my Israeli and Palestinian readers. Nonviolence is the way.
2.I have taken mushrooms in my early 20′s and I think that being punched out on a hallucinogenic drug could have negatively life-altering effects.

Buy Polyphonic Spree Records Here:
Good Records

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This Space For Rent

My site meter has brought to my attention that my site is visited daily by someone at rpa.com . For those who don’t know RPA are the initials of a very large advertising firm, Rubin Postaer and Associates. Two things about this:

1.) Email me, my site is world famous and I feel targets the coveted inner-city youth demographic, primarily.
2.) The person who visits my site is on the west coast (thanks sitemeter). The west coast branch of RPA is directly across the street from my office. I actually park underneath their building every morning. ($120/month for a parking space? A tad ridiculous.) Say hi someday if you are in that building. I am a 6’3″ ultra-attractive black man; i’m hard to miss.

I am looking over your client list to see if there are any that may work on my site. Not Blue Cross, I presently have issues with them. Honda, no. I may want to eventually make fun of that box wagon thing they made.

Who am I kidding? I will accept offers from anyone except Kentucky Fried Chicken. I had a bad case of salmonella once, and I don’t forgive or forget quite that easily. Though I did lose a lot of weight… So, perhaps I would consider them on my “Jason King Diet Page”.

I will go further into my info later. But consider this; nearly 56 (okay, exactly 56) people visit my site everyday. I will consider any reasonable 5-figure offer you toss at me. I will do full-frontal nudity. I will wear anything that is made by a foreign designer with an elegant name, and promote said designer.

Companies I would Most Like To Align Myself With:

Astroglide
Black & Decker
So New Media (buy a book while you are there)
Frederic Fekkai
Shrimpers Union of America
The Patch
Phillip Morris
Crest
Kraft
Trenton Medical Supplies

Ok, so I have already done half of the work. I expect a proposal and a flash movie equivalent to Chiat-Day’s Energizer Bunny or Tmobiles Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas in my inbox ASAP (that’s business-speak for “as soon as possible”, FYI [ugh, that is "for your information"])

You get with your people and I will get with me.

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Ready to Die

Has anyone else heard the news that Sylvester Stallone is writing/producing/directing a film about the Biggie and Pac murders? A weird idea indeed. But it intrigues the Executive Producer inside of me.

I am Picturing:

Dom Deluise as Biggie Smalls
Burt Reynolds as Tupac
Rosie O’donnell as Suge Knight
And Center-Square Jim J. Bullock as Puffy

Soundtrack by Enya.

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One of the Worst Things to Ever Happen to Me

Today started out just like any other. I woke up with an intense hangover and practiced my 30-minute deep thinking session. Fast forward to this afternoon. My friend (well, ex-fiance who has my last name in caricature above her Vagina. Oddly enough, my last name is Neatly Trimmed Pubic Hair) was here and around 4:23 PM touched my head and said the words I dread more than several other words, “You have gum in your hair.” I shrieked and ran to the bathroom. I touched my hair and my first thought was that it was just an unmassaged globule of Frederic Fekkai Cristal Pomade. This is highly unlikely due to my half hour intense pomade massaging I practice every morning. I smelled my fingers; spearmint, the most evil of all mints.

This is disconcerting on many levels, not the least of which being that I don’t chew gum. I sat for an hour and tried to think when and where this could have possibly happened.

Today: The Back Story

My friend Heather called me last night and said she was driving to LA, and then could I please “take her to the airport?” I assumed this was slang for sex, so I woke up very early this morning to sex up the place:
a) light the candles which are in the shape of Barry White
b) put the Magnum Condoms on the nightstand, and the ones that really fit into the drawer beneath, this way she gets excited by the condom size and by the time the rufies kick in she won’t know the difference
c) shave my pubic hair into the shape of Venezuela
d) restock the astroglide
e) litter the room with foliage

So, Heather shows up 3 hours later with luggage in her hands. “What’s with the foliage and the Magnums? Oh, I have these candles too, only mine are in the shape of the Rev. Al Sharpton, ” she says.

Girls, listen. It’s hard enough for us guys without girls being vague. So if you need to go to the airport please don’t say it with quotation marks around it.

So, off to LAX. I was outside for about 15 seconds on the way to my car. No gum around. No gum in my car, because I don’t allow it. We talk about politics all the way to the airport, still no gum. I drop her off and we hug. This is one of the events I am suspicious of. Did my good friend Heather need to get rid of her gum when we hugged and put it in my hair? I requested the security camera videotape from LAX terminal 3, but was denied. I was outside 45 seconds at LAX. Back in my car.

My next stop was Tanner’s Coffee Shop on Sepulveda. Park, order coffee and bagel with low fat cream cheese. Pay, overtip, leave. Back in car. Outside for about two minutes, in the coffee shop for about three minutes. I do not remember anything being suspicious there.

Then I drove home, read the newspaper, mumbled the words “say it isn’t so, Kobe” and ate my bagel and drank my coffee. No gum.

Then Becca called and asked could I “help her with her website?” Here we go again. I redistributed the foliage, relit Barry White, shaved Venezuela into Guatemala and emptied the magnum that I was using as a watermelon holder…

Becca knocks on my door. I open it very sexily and see her standing there with CD-R’s and various drawings to scan for her website. Since when does “help me with my website” mean to help with a website? Come on girls, don’t play with my lowering testosterone levels.

We worked on the website for an hour or two, she commented on my Barry White candles, “Cool candles. I have the ones in the shape of Carlos Santana.”

And then the darkness fell…

I hate gum. When I smell my fingers and smell spearmint, I can’t help but think of how many molecules of a strangers saliva that I am smelling also. It’s dirty, dirty stuff and it goes against my Atkin’s Diet.

I don’t think Heather would willingly introduce this tragedy upon me, which leaves many questions unanswered. How long was this shit in my hair? Whose saliva did I smell? Do I need to get a shot?

Everyone has told me to put peanut butter in my hair. I want peanut butter in my hair about as much as I want spearmint flavored saliva gum in my hair. Someone else told me that when she sat in gum she put her jeans in the freezer and could then chip away at the frozen saliva. Thanks for the advice, but there are no first class flights to Antarctica and there is SARS there still.

I have set up a tip line if anyone has any information in this case. It is 323-578-5584 (that seems like a bad idea) I must get to the bottom of this. I must know who the perpetrator is, so that I can take the proper actions. These actions will consist of myself giving fruit stripes gum to my friends cat (again, I don’t chew gum) until it is good and cat saliva-d, remove from the cats mouth and rub into perpetrators eyebrows while sleeping.

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Farmers Market Tragedy II

Tragedy does not usually happen in front of you. Tragedy is a television show. Tragedy is usually a section of the nightly news sandwiched between the arrested athlete and the pictures of people fighting on the other side of the world. Tragedy is usually about as real as the Reality TV in the timeslot following the news. I had never seen tragedy in three dimensions. Until today.

I have seen dead bodies before. Three times in car wrecks and then at the normal places like funerals. I didn’t expect to see several of them today.

I was returning to my office on a sunny Santa Monica afternoon with $200 worth of blueprints in my hand. I was walking towards Arizona Avenue on 2nd Street, the same walk that I make 10 times a week from my parking lot to my desk. I saw and heard commotion that was about 50 ft in front of me. I couldn’t tell exactly what was going on because there is construction next door to my building and because there are tents on Arizona, as there is every Wednesday for the Farmers Market. The screaming grew louder and louder, and then there was kind of a blur that crossed 2nd Street on Arizona. I now know that this was a speeding car, bowling over bodies and killing many people in its path.

I saw a mob of people running after the car, no doubt to take revenge on the driver of the car. Thankfully, they realized it was a disoriented old man and held back their urges to pummel the life out of him. Chaos. Cell phones don’t work. Network busy. Everyone is calling everyone. I didn’t know what to do. How do you help someone who is dying, what do you do? This is the scariest, and last moment of their lives. They were buying fruit and now they are surrounded by strangers who have absolutely no idea what to do. I looked around and saw several people dead and dying. Children. Overturned baby strollers. There was debris everywhere. The sunny day literally and figuratively turned cloudy and about 5 minutes after the car had taken the lives from these people the rain came hard. It was odd, a heavenly metaphor of sorts. Raining. Crying. Screaming. Running. Bleeding. Dying.

Police and paramedics were there in what seemed like seconds, but I don’t have any clue how long it really was. I don’t know how they do it. How is this their job? How can these people stay under control in the midst of real madness? My hat is off to them. They had the injured to hospitals quickly and undoubtedly saved their lives. It is comforting to know that there is such a quick response when you need it most.

I stood on the corner for over an hour; watching, wanting to help, but knowing there was nothing that I could do. I saw where the car had finally stopped. It was totaled. Imagine how fast it would have to be going to get that beat up from hitting just bodies. Two of these bodies were lifeless on the ground in front of it. The windshield was busted, it was covered in blood and I think I remember there being a shoe on the roof.

Shock. Everyone was in shock. The first thought on everyone’s mind was that this was a malicious action. How could it not be? How could you drive from 4th to 2nd during a Farmers Market where there are hundreds of people on accident? It is looking now like it is an accident, though that is still hard to believe.

The driver of the car was 86-year-old Russell Weller, by all accounts a sweet old man. He was on no medicine, not drunk, didn’t have a seizure, stroke or heart attack. How did this happen? 4th to 2nd is further than it sounds. It’s reported that he may have pressed the gas instead of the brake; for 2 1/2 blocks? If this is the case, then there needs to be better regulation of the driving elderly. Eight people are dead because someone with declining motor skills made a mistake. I feel bad for the sweet old man, if this truly was an accident. He will live with the memory of killing a three-year-old girl for the rest of his life. He shouldn’t have been driving… He fucking shouldn’t have been driving.

At about 4:30 it dawned on me that I had been carrying $200 blueprints around in the rain for two hours. I took them into my office sat down at my desk and noticed white peaches and a loaf of bread on my desk. I had bought them from one of the stands at the Farmers Market just a few hours earlier.

I truly feel for anyone who lost a loved one today. Get well soon to all of those who are injured. People throw the word “hero” around a lot, but today I saw the nice construction workers who work next door lift the car off of a critically injured woman and pull her to safety. I know that a lot more people would be dead had it not been for the police and paramedics who do the job that most of us could never handle. This was the most terrible thing I have ever seen.

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Farmers Market Tragedy