A Very Personalish Afternoon With Jason King
Part III
Interview by Diamond David Lee Roth.
Diamond David Lee Roth: Good afternoon Jason.
Jason King: Diamond David, a gentleman never wears a baseball cap indoors. Especially not one that is embroidered with the words “China Doll’s Rub & Tug”.
DDLR: (removes hat)
JK: Jesus H. Christ! That is the biggest bald spot I have ever seen, put it back on.
DDLR: (replaces hat, looks irritated) So, Jason, you have had this award-winning website for just about one month now. How do you handle the pressure? And how is fame treating you?
JK: Do you remember what fame feels like? It’s really, really fun. People telling you how wonderful you are; People buying you terrific bottles of champagne; People offering you their clone-babies. It’s fantastic, it really is. There is quite a bit of pressure. The way I am dealing with that is by always staying on top of current events, staying so hot right now. And when I’m not hot anymore, I will kick myself out and replace me with Sammy Hagar.
DDLR: (visibly upset by the previous comment) Let’s talk about my favorite subject: The Ladies. Are you a ladies man?
JK: God, it just sounds so sad. Everything you say. But to answer your question, I was just having a conversation about women with Steven (Patrick Morrissey) the other day; I was asking him how he does it. I asked him, how does he practice celibacy, and abstain from all of the advances of admiring women? He said it’s easy, he’s a homosexual and he has sex with men.
DDLR: I’m not sure you answered my question.
JK: (sighs) I have been in love with one woman, and only one woman for a long time. Her initials are Avril Lavigne.
DDLR: A long time? isn’t she only 17?
JK: Don’t you judge me, Diamond David. How was that reunion tour you did with Van Halen a couple of years ago?
DDLR: Oh, Jason. It was fantastic, exhilarating. The energy in the air from all of the fans just made me feel like I was twent…
JK: (interrupting) Yes, I do feel that my website touches people. I pour my heart and soul into it, and I think that comes through in my work.
DDLR: (sad) Yes. People have said that you are to Photoshopping and Web Designing what Michelangelo was to painting.
JK: (sighs) They said I was to these things as Michelangelo was to Sculpture, you moron. There is only one Michelangelo panel-painting in existence (fresco is an entirely different beast). It’s called the Tondo Doni. I am much more prolific of a Photoshopper than Michelangelo was a painter. Thank you very much.
DDLR: I’m sorry to have offended you. I never studied art history.
JK: Yeah, well Michelangelo isn’t exactly that deep into art history. Next question.
DDLR: I just wanted to comment on something else that you are fantastic at. [Ed. There are many, many other things that could be included right here. One of them is library science.] You are really one of my favorite writers.
JK: (smirking and talking through laughter) Really? (still giggling) Who are your other favorite writers?
DDLR: (nervous) Um. Dave Barry, Barbara De Angelis, and Othello…
JK: Did you just say Othello? Othello isn’t a person. Othello is the title of, and a character in one of Shakespeare’s tragedies.
DDLR: I was just trying to sound smart.
JK: Well. It worked pretty well for you.
DDLR: (leans forward and puts his hands to the floor)
JK: What in the fuck are you doing?
DDLR: I’m just gonna reach down between my legs, and, uh, ease the seat back…
JK: That was the worst attempt at humor that I have ever heard.
DDLR: You wrote it, you prick.
JK: Diamond Dave, you can’t say that. You cannot ruin the mock interview by revealing that I am actually writing for both of us. Not only does it distract the reader and take him/her out of the story. It also turns this into meta-fiction, which is considered postmodern drivel this month. It’s passé, and I won’t have any part of it.
DDLR: Okay, well I think that is a wrap. Do you want to get high and go to the strip club?
JK: (standing up, motioning to his assistant) Call someone and tell them to get this man out of my building. And get me Sammy Hagar on my mobile.
