Crest Night Effects

1.Prepare
Brush Teeth (no problem)
Open Packet (slight problem with tearing the package, but took care of that)
Dry Teeth (wait. Dry my teeth? Aren’t teeth wet by nature? I saw nothing in my bathroom that I really wanted to scrub into my mouth. I decided to use my blow dryer. Felt odd, but worked quite well.
2. Apply
Apply a thin layer of LiquidStrip (Thin being the operative word here. I woke up this morning with various portions of my lips glued to my teeth)
Keep mouth open for 60 seconds (There is nothing to make you feel more stupid. I was walking around my room for a minute holding my lips open off of my teeth, all the while drooling down my own chest. Vanity can be so ugly sometimes.)

The Patch

The Patch I know quite well. I have worn it more than I have worn several pairs of shoes that I own. The instructions are boring and pretty self-explanatory. [Peel. Stick. Don'tt smoke. The third command being the harder of the three.] So what I will post here are excerpts from NicoDerms “Suggestions For Quitting” Handbook:

Ask your family, friends and co-workers to support you in your efforts to stop smoking.
All of my friends are cynical and sarcastic, next suggestion.

Throw away all your cigarettes, matches, lighters, ashtrays, etc.
My ice-encrusted Zippo? No. Next.

Write down what you will do with all of the money you save.
Easy one. Hotel Parisi in La Jolla.

Know your high-risk situations and plan ahead how you will deal with them.
High risk? Waking up, driving, working, talking on the phone, coffee, water, mid-workout, pre-sex, mid-sex, post-sex. Next.

Try to avoid coffee, alcohol and other beverages that you associate with smoking.
Next.

Keep a journal about your experience quitting. Jot down your motivations.
Journals are pretty gay, as are diaries. Blogs are cool though. So you, dear reader, over the next few weeks will be hearing all about my non-smoking adventures. Church, anyone? Where do people not smoke?

Laughter helps. Read or watch something funny.
Are you serious? Who is writing this shit? I’m bitter and edgy and not really in the mood to watch The Jerk right now.

These are followed by the happy, optimistic outlook, pappy crap you would expect.

Non-Smoker
Day One:

I over-smoked on purpose yesterday, but still woke this morning forgetting that I was to quit today. I rummaged around for a cigarette. Nowhere to be found. Oh yeah. Fuck.
Drove to work. “What are you looking at, asshole?” “Turn your blinker off, you stupid bitch.” Oh yeah, this is going to be fun. Get to work and architect all day. Need to smoke. I rub the Patch on my back a few times, silently hoping a smoking genie will emerge. It doesn’t happen. I am delusional from nicotine withdrawals. I wonder if you can smoke the patch?

Motivation for the Day:
Smokers get uglier than non-smokers at a younger age.