The most important thing I learned over the weekend in Los Angeles

We definitely need sarah’s maternal love and affection and shit in order to survive as a family unit. it balances out all the hate, walls, memory loss and buscemi’s.

Neat

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn’t mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt
tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a total mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

know shit, no this. that’s right fools. totally on purpose. TOTAL.
these are the ways that alcohol has benefited me in the past 6-8 months
1. i have a cops phone number. what the fuck?
2, lost: $400.00 camera, drivers license, numerous credit cards, friends, dignity and other shit.
3. random seshs with whoever. i’m over that shit though, won’t happen again.
4. right now for example, i’m too hung over to even write anything amusing.

i’m sending the fam to a.a.

know, shit. did anyone even read that long ass interview, i know i didn’t. but i’m sitting right next to kingy right now and fake laughed like i did. anyway, we are at an internet cafeeeeee. on a friday night. late twenties. things are looking good. i feel like the family pet. h-dizza here’s a main focus and a like duh. s-wo, no, you do mine and then i’ll do yours.
also l.a. weekend agenda
sat.- thrift store shopping, star tattoos for everyone, star shoes, star any other shit, searcy and king are deleting friends now, wow big fucking surprise.
sun.-thrift store and yard sales, plus junk yard type spots for only the most vintage of vintage artsy shit for our crib.
mon.- 5:30 a.m. still drunk or strung out drive to dirty dago.
love. holla.

At an internet cafe in LA on a Friday night. How fucking exciting.

Sarah- Never mention “sex” and “searcy” in the same sentence ever again. Searcy, as I have already said, is totally fucking gross. Only a moron would have sex with him.

I am feeling quite nauseated. Prego?

Searcy- Did we have sex that night while my sister was tonguing my boyfriend?
Lydia- You do mine and I’ll do yours. You will continue to be my main focus.
Heather- I would like to take this opportunity to make Jason feel even more “nonplussed” by flirting with you also, however you are my sister… and therefore I will not.
Jason- I really like what you do to me. I can’t really explain it. i’m so into you.

A Very Personalish Afternoon With Jason King
Part IV
Interview by Joyce DeWitt.

Today’s Topic:
Budgeting

With the recent collapse of the Bulgarian Markets, Sir Jason King has lost roughly 60% of his portfolio. Adding to his woes is the fact that 2 of the 3 richest Walton children will not return his phone calls. His spending needs to be readjusted, he must live like common people: he must shop at, ugh, Grocery Stores. When one thinks of Poor, one inevitably thinks of our interviewer, Joyce DeWitt.

Sir Jason is the exact opposite of Mrs. Dewitt. He only watches Latin American television and knows the names and numbers of Eastern European freeways. He is an award winning graphic designer and now “works” as a website consultant to other website people.

Jason King: Will you get me some tea, please?

Joyce DeWitt: i’m not the page, i’m your interviewer.

JK: That wasn’t my question.

JD: OK, I am pleased to follow the long line of wonderful celebrities who have had the pleasure to interview you for your fantastic website.

JK: Do you really think you are a celebrity?

JD: I was Janet on Three’s Company.

JK: I have no idea what anything that you just said means.

JD: Umm. The TV show? Three’s Company?

JK: Oh. The one that spun off the wonderful show Three’s a Crowd. I remember now. I just don’t remember there being anyone as plain and boring looking as you on that show.

JD: that’s not nice. Did you hear about John Ritter?

JK: (Looking around the room, totally bored)

JD: He just died, he was a comic genius.

JK: Oh, sad. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about money?

JD: Yes, I am supposed to help you learn to budge…

JK: (interrupting) Wait, is Mr. Furley dead?

JD: I assume you mean Don Knotts, and no, he is alive and well.

JK: Ok, but what about Mr. Furley?

JD: Don Knotts was Mr. Furley.

JK: Why won’t you just answer my question? Can I speak to your supervisor?

JD: We should move on. How much do you spend per month on food?

JK: Food? I like to call it Dining. I have no idea how much I spend. Umm, after tips and fine wines, probably $650-$850 a day.

JD: Ok, well you could save several thousand dollars a month if you would just go to the grocery store. Here, let’s make a grocery list.

JK: You can’t be serious.

JD: Let’s start with house wares. Do you need any soap?

JK: (looking quizzical)

JD: What?

JK: Soap from a grocery store? Are you out of your ugly mind? I have my soap imported from this little boutique in Scotland. that’s a country in what is called the United Kingdom.

JD: Well, maybe you should use Lever 2000. that’s what I use.

JK: (under his breath) It shows.

JD: What?

JK: Look, lady. I don’t mean to be rude, but look at you. Now look at me. Now stop looking straight at me. Your skin is, no offense, really really gross. That is what happens from Grocery Store soap. You get those fucking canyon pores like you have, and I won’t even get into your odor. Now turn around and look at me in that huge mirror over there. I put it there so you can look at me without me having to look at that face of yours. See how I am glowing? that’s because I take care of myself. That is the result of over 3 hours of face creams this morning. This doesn’t happen by accident, Janet, and while it is definitely too late for you, there might be hope for other ugly-ish people like you, only much younger.

JD: (holding back tears) I have to go to work.

JK: You are almost cute when you cry. Where do you work?

JD: Ralph’s Grocery Store. Bye. (gets up and runs away, crying)

JK: Janet! Wait! Could you get me that tea before you go…?

A couple paragraphs based around a crush that I don’t have.
P.S. I like that word nonplus.

This weekend I’m going to try to love Los Angeles. Total. I will be taking the train on Saturday and the bearded dude will be picking me up. There’s going to be that weird, awkward moment when we aren’t going to know what to do and should probably just hug- but I’m planning on trying to get a full make out immediately to make him feel a little bit uncomfortable. Real classy Heather.

So I was wondering if someone could post our agenda so I know what we will be getting into from Saturday afternoon till Monday morning. I don’t know, I was thinking maybe Star Shoes. Possibly Cate’s party. Both of those ideas sound lovely and neither occasion would make me feel uncomfortable in the slightest. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t post this. Fuck it.

P.S. Jason Searcy and I are getting pretty serious. I’m not joking. He told me he loved me today. I told him I would love to spend the rest of our hangovers together. It was very clever. Why do I feel like I just wrote a testimonial that’s going to be rejected.

Discomfortable

Searcy and Sarah flirting with each other all of the time is making me nonplussed.

To Heather:

You smell good and it’s scaring me.

Yes, it is true.

I have done my time with a few thuggish, ruggish, bones. i’m over it. All that I want in my life is some love and happiness. With a white man? Preferably a stout white man. Thirty-ish. Know any?
Help a girl out.

P.S.
Further criteria: He must be a possesser of balls. and a returner of text messages.