Thank you to everyone who made my Texas summer one of the most fun summers in recent memory. It was great spending so much time with all of you. I’m gonna miss you.

Thank you to everyone who made my Texas summer one of the most fun summers in recent memory. It was great spending so much time with all of you. I’m gonna miss you.

Being a Hollywood Elitist™ makes it kind of difficult to travel through the fly-over states. Today I drove 562 miles and decided to stay in Tucumcari, New Mexico. I pulled into the Howard Johnson’s to borrow their wi-fi, and browse hotels in Tucumcari that offer wi-fi (ironically) and other amenities. Nothing more than 2 Stars? “Gross,” I thought. And then I looked at my phone and realized that I had no bars and couldn’t call any of these poverty, shanty town motels. My first thought would have been “This really chaps my hide” if I used boring phrases like the unfunny and super-boring Adam Carolla who says chaps my hide about everything. So instead I thought, “this really tickles my taint.” That works.

From what I saw on the internet, something called a “Microtel” looked like the best bet. It’s no Roosevelt, but it should work. I approached the woman at the desk, made sure there was a strong wi-fi signal, paid the fees, and told her to send up a medium-to-deep tissue masseuse at 8:00PM sharp. She looked at me oddly. I looked back at her attractively. She continued to stare at me blankly. I continued to look beautiful. I then realized that “luxury” terms like masseuse don’t really translate to New Mexican.

I decided to go to my room and massage myself. Can I say that when I opened the door I was incredibly impressed. The room is tiny, but kind of like that quaint European tiny. Efficient. Or maybe it is like a room on a ship. There is a queen bed that takes up most of the space with a nightstand on either side. Below the window is another bed, like a window seat but long. Beneath that are some drawers. On the other wall is a small desk and a refrigerator and microwave, with a TV on a shelf above that. Everything is built-in. And everything is super efficient. And there is a very large mirror on the wall behind the bed, so I can sit and stare at myself for hours and hours and hours… I think I love this place.

Also. Totally inexspensive, $49 with AAA. Free HBO etc. (irritatingly, no Comedy Central which tickled my taint until I realized there was a Bond marathon on AMC) Free long distance phone calls. A really strong wi-fi connection. A nice indoor pool and hot tub. Some sort of waffle machine that I may try to figure out in the morning when I go have my free hot breakfast. A pretty nice fitness center. Everything I need. And their slogan is Get A Room, which I like for the cheeky over/undertones. The slogan implies mildly loose sexuality which I am a fan of, of course. But one of the stairways kind of smells like cum a little bit. I know that motels/hotels are a place to be a little more fancy-free with cum placement/distribution, but in the stairway; Get A Room, already. Or maybe it was just some sort of cleaning product.

Aside from the cum stench and no Comedy Central, this place is so good that I am planning my travel tomorrow around where there is a Microtel. There is a town just outside of Flagstaff, which is 540 miles form here, and tomorrow I will point my whip towards there.

See you in a few hundred miles if my hotel has wi-fi.

It seems pretty official that most Americans think that Pat Robertson is a fucking hatrack, and have denounced his ridiculous statements. Of course the people who havent denounced it are Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and the perpetual vacationer Chevy Chase George W. Bush. Disagree with us and we’ll fucking kill you. The inmates truly are running the asylum.

I had a few more choice words to direct at Pat Robertson but I am a little afraid he might point his Christian Death Prayers™ at me. Amen.

King Mswati III, Africa’s last absolute monarch, has lifted the ban on sex for females in Swaziland. Holy shit, read this:

During the ban, Swazi girls were instructed to wear the scarves as a sign of their chastity. If an umchwasho girl was approached for sex by a man, she was expected to throw her tassels at his homestead, obliging his family to forfeit a cow.

Try to relate any of that in some way to anything that has ever happened to you in your dating life/sexual escapades. The cow part, maybe. Also silly Africans, you don’t let a girl know where your homestead is; that’s what hotels are for. Repeat after me: My name is Steve McQueen, I live in another village. I am here on some bovine related dotcom startup. Would you like to go have a drink in my hotel room? That is a pretty scarf, it goes well with the spike through your titties.

See? It’s totally easy.

Germany’s far right struggles to make mark

Umm, I think they already have.

Ever since Kobe Bryant was accused of rape and those Pacers punched fans, I have been kinda over my once beloved NBA. Granted, those fans were inciteful, drunk and obnoxious but C’mon. Also granted, the charges were dropped against Bryant but he still made a woman (who wasn’t his wife)’s asshole bleed. Bryant’s egomaniacal ousting of Shaq and Phil also definitely turned me off of Bryant and my beloved Lakers. But I am all for second chances. I am going to give the NBA (and even my Lakers) my nielsen ratings this season. It’s hard for me to call the Laker’s my favorite team with their current roster, so I am shopping around for a new team to support this season. The contenders:

Dallas Mavericks- I have always been a fan of the Mavs, and every other team from my hometown. But it wasn’t until the Cuban era that they became contenders and incredibly fun to watch. I really like Dirk and I thnk that some of the young guys are going to be great players. With Shawn Bradley retiring and the waiving of Finley, the Mavs finally have some extra money to sign a couple more top-notchers. The Mavs are probably going to be the team I root for this year.

Phoenix Suns- I have always hated the Suns. Even when Barkley played for them, I was a Barkley fan but despised the Suns. I became a fan in the playoffs last year. I wish Steve Nash was still a Maverick, but I am a fan of his no matter where he plays. And Amare. They were damn fun to watch, and I will watch them again this year.

Miami Heat- As much as I wish Nash were still a Mav, that wish would have to be multiplied by 100 for how much I want Shaq back to the Lakers. The Kobe experiment didn’t work. But watching Wade and Shaq play together reminds me how awesome Shaq is and how good a player like Wade/Bryant can be alongside him. If they can sign Finley, I think that they might be unstoppable this year. And I hate the Spurs, so please let them be unstoppable.

I guess that is it. In the East I like the Heat, and I like the Mavs in the West. The Suns will be my backup team. And I have to root for the Lakers, despite it all…

Bush: Iraq withdrawal would weaken U.S.

I am to busy too really update twoday.