To anyone who has tried telephoning me in the past few days, my phone is completely dead. It passed in my sleep, it was two years old. I have a new phone on the way and I will also have a new phone number. Anyone who had my old phone number can either call the old one and my recorded voice will tell you the new one; or you can email me and I will type the number into the body of an email and send it to you.

If you don’t currently have my phone number and would like to, then I will need the following things:

• Resume
• In European, that is pronounced CV
• Photograph, preferably Black & White w/ soft lighting. Clothing optional, shoes mandatory.
• An essay entitled “Why I Should Be Able To Phone You” written in the third person and be 300 words or less. It should include at least one use of the term oral sex.
• $18
• 3 References, with at least one of them being someone you have slept with.

My staff will filter the applications and funnel the worthy applicants to me, as well as return my funnel which I have been looking for, for like 2 years now.